How to stand up for yourself

Step 1:

...actually, I have no idea. Why do I keep getting myself into these messes?

Gratefulness and Hypochondria

Our furnace inspection yesterday didn't turn out exactly the way I had anticipated. I was nervous about it since our furnace is old and we've had issues with birds sneaking their way all the down into the chimney this year. Thankfully the inspection of the furnace itself went well. Sure it's old, but it's a workhorse.

It's when he got to the smoke test that the inspection ran into a snag. The chimney vent wasn't actually venting because it was clogged. The inspector got very quiet and then started talking about carbon monoxide and chimney fires and other dangerous things. He was supposed to just write up a report about the problem but he didn't feel safe leaving it as is, so he dismantled the vent and knocked out enough leaves, hay and debris from my chimney to fill a 30 gallon trash bag.

(there was also a hilarious bit where we bet each other who could make it up the stairs faster if a bat flew out of the chimney. I'm a self-professed giant chicken but he was pretty sure he'd have me beat.)

I'm incredibly grateful that we had the inspector that we had, someone who took the time to do the job right and then went above and beyond to make things safer for my family. I'm very grateful that despite the danger, we never had a chimney fire or had our furnace or hot water heater break down due to the clogs.

I'm also grateful for my families health. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, so right now I'm going over every illness and headache recently and thinking, "was that CO poisoning?" I think I'll just chalk up any minor ache and pain over the past few months to this situation. I was feeling tired? Poisoned. Irritable and confused? Sorry, it was the hot water heater. Didn't pay my bill on time? Couldn't be helped, I was being slowly killed by a bird's nest.

Thorsday!

Actually, we went to see the movie on Friday which is technically Frigga's Day which is even better because Frigga was awesome in Thor 2.

I love Avengers and the Iron Man movies are crazy rewatchable, but I think my favorite out of the first set of the Marvel Cinematic Universe is Thor. I've watched it dozens of times and was so excited for the sequel and it didn't disappoint. The effects were amazing, the story was well-thought and it struck that perfect mix of action and humor that makes Marvel movies so fun.

Things I liked:
1. Darcy and Fandral - It was great to see both of these characters with such big roles. Zachary Levi is such a geek and the character of Darcy is such a geek icon that their inclusion was big news on the internet for ages. I loved seeing both of them with not only prominent roles, but important to the plot!
2. Thor: no longer a puppy - His character has grown from the loveable frat boy of the first movie and it was good to see that character development here. He has matured and I liked seeing that follow through in his actions.
3. Location, location, location - Crossover movies come with an inherent problem. When there is a problem big enough for your hero, why aren't the other heroes helping out? Having a lot of this movie taking place on Asgard or other realms it made it easier to ignore the missing Avengers. And with all the anomalies at the end battle I guess I could imagine that S.H.I.E.L.D's helicarrier couldn't get close to London or something.
4. Secondary character bonanza! - Seriously, who wasn't awesome in this film? Erik streaking around Stonehenge, Frigga being bluntly honest with Loki and then being a total fearless warrior later, Sif and the Warriors Three all helping to plan the escape and threatening Loki, Darcy and her intern throwing shoes and keys into an anomaly. It was refreshing to get to see so many characters have so much screentime!
5. BROTHER FEELINGS - So many brother feelings. Thor and Loki, man. Breaking my heart since the comic books.

Things I liked less:
1. Odin - I just feel like he's there to make bad decisions. And be shouty. And be not a good dad.
2. Jane - Has she seriously been pining for two years? Has she been pining so much she's not doing science? Has she been moping around her mothers' place in a slump because of Thor? I'm really hoping that the truth is less 'broken heart' and more 'broken science' because otherwise...yuck. Jane Foster is a grown up woman with a crazy passion for science, she shouldn't be taken down by her feelings for a man she knew for a couple of days two years ago.
3. Mumble - I'm not sure if it was just our theater or what, but the movie seemed quiet in spots. Especially in the first part where they are giving the backstory of the dark elves. We actually thought the sound system in our theater was busted it was so quiet.
4. The dark elves - their mask/faces with the big circle eyes were creepy but not particularly threatening.
5. Erik Selvig - His whole craziness makes me worried for Hawkeye. SO WORRIED!

Random awesomeness? Chris O'Dowd! It was so great to see him in this film! It made me want to go home and watch The IT Crowd!

Struggling

Lately my biggest struggle has been remembering the difference between serving and pleasing. God commanded me to serve others but I'm only working to please Him. The problem comes when I switch those two things around. I beat myself up trying to please people and I end up serving God with a very grumbly heart.

Why is this such a hard concept for me to get right? Why do I constantly look to people for approval and validation when I know it's not going to come? Why do I always let that trip me up and make me discontent in how I obey God?

Just last week I was listening to my pastor talk about doubt and thinking to myself "wow, Jen, you used to struggle with this a lot and now you are so much better. Yay me!" I should have known that patting myself on the back for being awesome would lead me to see another huge thing I'm struggling with in my walk.

Pretty Kitty Princess

Hunter playing in Becca’s halloween tutu costume.

Fall beauty

 

Written on my heart

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.

I heard this song on the radio today and it made me think about reading the bible. I’m pretty sure that Death Cab for Cutie didn’t have that intention when they recorded this song. (Is that judgmental? Maybe that’s exactly what they intended) I’ve been thinking about change and growth lately and specifically how my relationship with God has changed.

One of the main reasons I’ve changed is that I’ve been spending a lot more time with God and His word. Between reading on my own, Sunday school, bible study and sermons, my time learning has increased exponentially. Which has led to more and more changes within me. I’m not perfect, nowhere near it. I’m not even a good person most of the time. But I’m different than who I was. I respond to things differently. I feel different emotions than before. God is changing who I am and it’s pretty cool to see.

Snow!

(also, I need to put away my lawn furniture)

Breakfast of champions

Caffeine and chocolate!

Guilty pleasures

I was going to make a list of some of my guilty TV pleasures, but then I realized I have very little shame about the things that I like to watch. I actually take great pride in the fact that I’ve watched cheesy sci-fi shows and random comedies. That horrible Lorenzo Lamas series? Watched it. Jon and Kate Plus 8? Watched it. Not only do I watch these things…I then seek out other people on the internet and form friendships around our mutual appreciation of these shows. Friendship is magic! (which I’ve also watched!)

Despite my shameless TV watching, I do have guilty pleasures. My main one is my love of movie novelizations. I can’t get enough of them! Maybe it’s my author background that longs to know the motivation behind what’s on the screen. Maybe it’s my curiosity that always wants to know as much as I can about everything. I don’t know the exact reasoning, but I really love reading movie novelizations. In my bag right now I’m carrying around the Pacific Rim novelization and I’m enjoying it so much!

Early mornings and making new friends

How beautiful is that scene? The rising sun, the green trees, the mist…actually, that’s not mist. That’s the exhaust from a wall of dryers at my local laundromat. It’s still really pretty!

I love going to the laundromat. There’s a sense of vulnerability inherent in the act of having your clothes spinning in full view of others. People are either very guarded or completely open and either way, you can learn so much about them. It’s a prime space for people watching, and an even better avenue for making new friends!

My first load isn’t even out of the washing machine and I’ve already talked about bug phobias with Lupe, discussed Harry’s cowboy hat and horses and learned that Jon’s new baby doesn’t like the smell of the dryer. Yay for new experiences!

I used to think that the solution to road rage or inconsiderate drivers would be to force everyone to have one of those "How is my Driving?" stickers. You see them on trucks and other company vehicles and they have a phone number where you can call and complain or compliment the driver of the vehicle. I was sure that if everyone had that on the back of their car they would surely drive differently. They would drive with the idea that they would be held accountable for their actions. I thought that people would be less likely to be rude if the other drivers on the road were able to hold them accountable for their behavior.

These days, I'm not so sure that this concept would work and it's all because of Facebook. The old internet adage "don't read the comments" exists for a reason. People, when given anonymity and a voice, will say things they'd never say face to face. You just knew never to scroll down and read the comments or you'd be inundated with racist, sexist, hateful and just plain dumb comments, all spewed by faceless accounts.

Then Facebook happened and sites started to partner with it so that your Facebook login started to be your login on other sites as well. You'd think that the instant accountability of having your name attached to your comment would cause people to rethink what they were going to say...but it didn't. Now instead of just having all these horrible comments, you had all of these horrible comments attached to people's names and photos. Comments about how a woman walking in the wrong part of town deserved to be raped, made by a man who's profile picture is of him and his granddaughters. Comments about how welfare recipients should be killed for the greater good by a woman who's Facebook profile says she teaches at an elementary school. Comments that are hateful and cruel made by people who don't care that their face and name are attached.

It makes me wonder if the 'how's my driving' stickers would work anymore. Would people behave better if there was accountability? Or, in this Facebook world, does accountability not change anything?

Wow, this is my new favorite thing. Can you believe that people just create sounds like this? Music that makes you feel excited and scared all at the same time? I swear it's like magic!

Early morning restlessness

Most of the time I'm completely happy living in my sleepy little township. I like seeing the same people at the grocery store. Waving to the same dog walkers and joggers on the tree lined streets. I know the names of my librarians and the woman who delivers my mail. (but not the workers behind the desk at the post office because those folks are rude, yo) It's where I grew up and I generally enjoy the peace and quiet.

Except for this moment. This early morning moment when I'm wide awake before the sun is up. In my heart, this moment is full of expectation and I want the world around me to reflect that feeling. There are signs of the impending day evident outside my window, the call of birds, the faint glow of the sunrise on the horizon. I want more than those small signs, I want drama and loudness and an ever growing increase of activity until it all just crests into a shining new day.

It's this time of the day when I want to live in a big city. To watch the new day dawn with the sounds of buses and subway trains rumbling through the streets. To smell the air ripe with the offerings of bakeries and coffee shops. I want to see the harsh neon lights give way to the cool gray of dawn all glinting off high-rise windows. I want to experience all those moments when night tips off the precipice into a new morning.

But, of course, I don't really want to spend that morning in the big city. Or even the night before, if I'm honest with myself. My heart truly does find contentment in the safety and silence of my semi-rural home. Just every once in a while, I find myself in this rare early morning moment when I want something more.

Library and short attention spans

When I spend a long time in a library (or bookstore) I tend to amass a large pile of random books. I just can’t help myself, I have to gather up all these stacks of books that bear little to no connection to each other.

The only connection these books have is that I want to know more about them. Today’s stack includes quantum physics, religion, biographies, mathematics, poetry and what I thought was history but might be crime fiction. I mostly likely won’t take all these books home…maybe not even any of them. Instead I’ll spend an hour flipping through three or four of them at a time, scanning and skipping through the pages. Soaking up bits of knowledge in some sort of ADD-fueled haze where I gorge myself on as much information as quickly as possible. My brain doesn’t care if it’s reading about Dirac’s theoretical work on magnetic monopoles or the twice-translated poetry of the Quechan tribesmen, it just wants to take it all in.

Even I don’t understand the way my brain works at times. I don’t get why there are times like today when I can flit from subject to subject and still retain so much information but other days I can focus on just one topic and fail to remember anything. There are days like today when I have music playing in my ears, four different books opened in my lap and three tabs of reddit open on my computer and yet I feel at peace. To switch from that multitasking craziness to days when I can barely focus on a book when there are crickets outside is such a mystery to me.

For now, I’ll enjoy it. I’ll read about poetry from ancient Egypt and modern day forensic accountants. I’ll dive through the equations of chemistry and read about the plight of the buffalo. My afternoon will be filled with a dozen different authors speaking to me about their passions and even if I don’t understand everything about my brain, I’ll enjoy the experience.

Current Music: Sea Wolf – Dear Fellow Traveler

Further indication of my age

The stickers I got for my birthday are now decorating my notebook for the class my Pastor is teaching. Which, in case you were wondering, is NOT called ‘Churchy Churchiness Class”.

Communion

Recently when we had the Lord's Supper at our church, I was praying and got completely confused. (side note: this happens ALL the time when I pray. I'm thankful God doesn't have a problem keeping up with my wild trains of thought) It struck me as weird that we eat the bread (body of Christ) before we drink the wine/juice (blood of Christ).

Doesn't it seem to be more logical to do it the other way around? To first 'be washed' by the blood of Christ before then being filled by him? To be cleansed of our sins before partaking of something new? When I asked a friend about the practice she informed me that we do it that way because that's how Jesus did it. Which, you know, good answer. But also, very unsatisfying for me. I know that I don't believe that this is actually Christ's blood or body, that I believe that we do this because Christ told us to, as a memorial, a way to honor and remember rather than a physical partaking of Christ's sacrifice...but I still can't get past the fact that it seems backwards. 

Making Friends

Today was the first time that I ran into someone from church out and about. It was quick and easy and...and it just made me feel happy. I'm happy that I found my church home. I'm happy with my church family. I'm really happy and so very grateful for where God has led me right now.

Radioactive - Lindsey Stirling and Pentatonix (Imagine Dragons Cover)

Yes, that is a dude beatboxing while playing the cello.

We were watching this live last night and this moment was so frustrating to watch but she just kicked it right out of the park! AND THE BEST NEWS EVER…they won! It took them several hours and a ton of fighting but they ruled that the vote started after midnight and was invalid! So awesome!
A huge thank you to Wendy and Leticia and Judith for standing up for women last night! You are such an inspiration to future girls interested in politics. Also major props to all the senators who fought hard and with passion to have your voices heard. Democracy is pretty cool.

I watched the filibuster in Texas tonight like some people watch sports games. Yelling, cheering, trash talking and staying up far too late. I executed at least one decent germane/Jermaine Jackson joke and about 11 really horrible ones.

It wasn't exactly the outcome I was hoping for, but I'm proud to see democracy in action. Hopefully I will be able to see repercussions for those who seemed to bend and twist the law to their own liking, but even if we don't see those repercussions immediately, I have faith in the internet to never forget jerkiness.

Roller coaster

This week has been...hard. I don't like change. I don't like confrontation. I don't like social situations where I can't leave. I've spent the week stressed out, sad, scared, angry and any number of 100 different emotions. Now, I'm just tired. Tired of all the situations, tired of all the emotions and tired of myself.

Why isn't it easier for me to trust God? Or rather, why isn't it easier for me when I trust God to stop beating myself up in emotional pain? Because I do trust God. I trust that He will take care of all these situations this week. I trust that if I obey, He'll take care of me. I even trust that despite feeling like it at times, He won't actually let me die of embarrassment. The trusting God part seems almost easy at times when compared to dealing with my own emotions. Why is that? What is it about me that makes me hold onto those feelings, especially when I know they hurt me?

My relationship with God is so different than where it was just a few years ago. The fact that I just typed that trusting God seems easy is pretty good evidence. That sort of statement would not have been something I said before and that's awesome. I love that I feel more confident in my relationship with God. I love that I trust Him easy, I talk to Him quicker and that my obedience comes with far fewer arguments. (Fewer. I'm not perfect!) But times like this past week remind me that no matter how far I've come, God always has more to teach me.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

I need to remember this verse today for two reasons. The first is that it's not my job to get people to see me, to get them to accept or like me. My focus shouldn't be on me, but Christ who lives in me.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

I once typed out this section of verses (4:4-7) and posted them all over the house to memorize. It was good practice and it helped me a lot. I praised God for lots of things that I would have never done before and I learned to go to God first instead of stewing in anxiety over a situation or person. But apparently I need to refocus on the last part. I'm sure while God is happy with me learning to rejoice and to come to Him in prayer, He doesn't want me to stress and worry after that. He wants me to trust Him, to rest in Him and to have His peace. A peace that isn't temporary, that doesn't fail when things go wrong and that lasts longer than I could ever sustain myself.

As I end this week, I hope that I do it in a different frame of mind. That instead of riding this emotional roller coaster any longer, I guard my heart and mind in the peace of God.

Pot luck and paper mustaches

We had a going-away party for my aunt this weekend and it was the first time in a long time that most of my family was all together. In between catching up on who had a new kid and who was working at a new job and how many mini cupcakes we could eat, I found I had forgotten one important thing. The fact that I have a pretty awesome family.

We are such a big family with such different people but there are times when none of that matters and we are just one awesome group. The fans of MacGyver, the fans of video games, the ones who make silly jokes and the ones who laugh at them. The people who teach their kids to walk like penguins and who snort when they laugh and tease little old ladies about their height.  The family that not only tolerates me teaching four year olds to make paper mustaches, but then takes pictures of various people wearing them.

I’m incredibly blessed to be a member of this family and I can’t wait till we can get together again.

Man of Steel review

Superman is boring, or at least that's my opinion. I like my superheroes to be flawed, to struggle to do the right thing and to be average people who are stupidly courageous. I love Hawkeye, Spiderman, the Black Widow, Iron Man, Captain America, Robin (all of them!) more than I like Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Thor, any of the X-Men or Superman.

I also like my superhero movies to be fun. I love explosions and fights and epic CGI battles that are as awesome as they are ridiculous, but I want those things to make me laugh and cheer and sit slack-jawed in amazement. I want to come out of a theater laughing and feeling good. The least upbeat of the Avengers series has been Captain America: The First Avenger and even that had feel good moments and humor. I'm not a fan of the Nolan Batman movies simply because they are so dark. (also, no Robin) There was never anything happy or uplifting about the Batman trilogy and that doesn't mean they weren't good, just not what I want in a superhero movie. (Although that whole 'twist' at the end of the last film with "Robin" was horrible and lame and we shan't speak of it any longer)

Which, all that to say, I didn't expect to like Man of Steel. I'm not a fan of dark superhero flicks, and I'm not a fan of the character of Superman. The film was well made, the explosions were...there were a lot of them! I am a big fan of disaster movies too and this sort of ticked both boxes. Metropolis and Smallville were decimated to the extent that I was sure there had to be a retcon moment involved. You know the kind, when things are so bad that they write in a way to fix the problem. Think of the time in Doctor Who when a 1/3 of Earth's population was killed off and their solution was to just erase the last year and make it never happen.

The movie ends with it looking like there's no problem in Metropolis. No giant gaping crater where the center of the city stood, no massive funereal atmosphere mourning the lives lost, not a single scene showing the aftermath. I'm not saying I want an additional 30 minutes of post-fight construction work, or even a scene talking about the cost or aftermath of the destruction...but if they aren't going to talk about it, maybe they shouldn't just show other scenes that make it seem like nothing happened.

I'm glad I went and I did enjoy aspects of this film. It really was very well done and I loved all the Krypton backstory. The scene in the spaceship explaining the history of what happened in all the lovely depression-era art was pretty awesome. Oh! And the Lexcorp tanker truck was fun to see as well. Sure, it wasn't my favorite superhero movie...or even one that I would watch again. But it was an okay way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

For another review that explores the actual character of Superman and problems with this movie, check out this review by Mark Waid, a writer for DC who has actually written Superman comics. Be aware, it's very spoilery.

Entrepreneur

Today in the stationary aisle at Target I listened as a young boy tried to convince his mom that he needed pencils. When it looked like she wasn't sure, he launched into an intricate plan on how he could pay her back for the pencils. He would use the pencils to draw dinosaurs and then sell them to people because "people love my dinosaurs". The boy was positive that he would have enough money to pay his mother back for the pencils in no time.

I was so tempted to buy the pencils for him. Who wouldn't want to be on the ground floor of a flourishing dinosaur drawing business?

New music for my ears!

This is going on my summer playlist!

Along the shore

Traveling home from vacation is still beautiful when you’re in Michigan. We drove down the coast past Charlevoix and Elk Rapids and Traverse City.

 

We also stopped at the scenic overlook on M-37 for the Hodenpyl Dam Pond. It has a lot of steps. A lot. I think it was somewhere around 120 steps but it’s entirely possible that I blacked out and miscounted. I just know that it was a lot of steps. But the view was beautiful and peaceful once you made it to the bottom.

 

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Further evidence of adulthood

At least in this case it’s my sister and not me. (although I found it funny too)

A watery day

Where the storms that we feel in this cold world should cease,
And our hearts, like thy waters, be mingled in peace – Thomas Moore

  

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I’m an adult

Who makes adult choices when it comes to her soap needs.

Animals!

…or sort of animals. I’m such a wilderness girl.

   

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Petoskey

    

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Getting away

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Race cars and memories

I can hear the race cars tonight at Spartan Speedway. The track sits out in the country between Holt and Mason and for all of my life, I've been able to hear the roar of the cars every Friday night during the summer.  When I was younger they sounded like the roar of dinosaurs or a fierce battle just out of sight. When I got older, I understood what the noise was coming through my windows and the sound was familiar. It meant I was home, and things were normal. Tonight, as an adult, the roar of the cars sound like memories.

My uncle was a huge fan of races and he was a staple at Spartan Speedway. To me, the two have always been tied together, my uncle and races at Spartan Speedway. I was lucky enough to be able to go to the races with him a couple of times, sitting on little foam seats and desperately pressing my hands against ears that were assaulted by noise despite the ear plugs I wore. To be honest, I was bored. Oh, I enjoyed seeing all the people, and getting concession stand food and I enjoyed getting to spend one-on-one time with my uncle...but racing just don't interest me all that much. The fond memories I have of the races have nothing to do with cars and everything to do with the people.

Earlier this year, my uncle passed away. He had been sick for a long time, sick enough that he hadn't been able to go to the races and sit in the stands. Before he was hospitalized  he had made it out to the track whenever he could...even being driven in his car right up to the wall so he could sit in his car with his oxygen tank and still see the races. The races were important to him and he was important to me. Tonight I can hear the roar of the cars and the sound is a memory. A happy reminder of a loved one lost.

GUESS WHAT I JUST SAW?

STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS! IT WAS AMAZING! I WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN RIGHT AWAY!

EVENTUALLY I WILL BE LESS CAPSLOCKY. BUT NOT TONIGHT!

Flower power!

Planted flowers today during a beautiful day. Loads of sun, cool breeze and only one ladybug tried to dive bomb me! Yay!