Roller coaster

This week has been...hard. I don't like change. I don't like confrontation. I don't like social situations where I can't leave. I've spent the week stressed out, sad, scared, angry and any number of 100 different emotions. Now, I'm just tired. Tired of all the situations, tired of all the emotions and tired of myself.

Why isn't it easier for me to trust God? Or rather, why isn't it easier for me when I trust God to stop beating myself up in emotional pain? Because I do trust God. I trust that He will take care of all these situations this week. I trust that if I obey, He'll take care of me. I even trust that despite feeling like it at times, He won't actually let me die of embarrassment. The trusting God part seems almost easy at times when compared to dealing with my own emotions. Why is that? What is it about me that makes me hold onto those feelings, especially when I know they hurt me?

My relationship with God is so different than where it was just a few years ago. The fact that I just typed that trusting God seems easy is pretty good evidence. That sort of statement would not have been something I said before and that's awesome. I love that I feel more confident in my relationship with God. I love that I trust Him easy, I talk to Him quicker and that my obedience comes with far fewer arguments. (Fewer. I'm not perfect!) But times like this past week remind me that no matter how far I've come, God always has more to teach me.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

I need to remember this verse today for two reasons. The first is that it's not my job to get people to see me, to get them to accept or like me. My focus shouldn't be on me, but Christ who lives in me.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

I once typed out this section of verses (4:4-7) and posted them all over the house to memorize. It was good practice and it helped me a lot. I praised God for lots of things that I would have never done before and I learned to go to God first instead of stewing in anxiety over a situation or person. But apparently I need to refocus on the last part. I'm sure while God is happy with me learning to rejoice and to come to Him in prayer, He doesn't want me to stress and worry after that. He wants me to trust Him, to rest in Him and to have His peace. A peace that isn't temporary, that doesn't fail when things go wrong and that lasts longer than I could ever sustain myself.

As I end this week, I hope that I do it in a different frame of mind. That instead of riding this emotional roller coaster any longer, I guard my heart and mind in the peace of God.