Tales from Tim Horton

I’m in Canada? I’m not really, but apparently Google keeps wanting me to change to google.ca. I can’t decide if that’s because the HQ for Tim Hortons (and their wifi) is in Canada or if Google just thinks they are hilarious… I mean, I have made about 50 ‘eh’ jokes already, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility athat Google and I share the same lame sense of humor.

I am drinking the most bitterest of coffees. Because cheap is key this morning and a small black coffee is the cheapest thing possible. How do people drink this and stay happy? Does everyone who drinks this just stay grumpy? I’m just imagining a bunch of truckers ordering black coffees and then standing around grunting and complaining about how the sun is too sunny and things aren’t as good as they used to be back in the day. It’s possible that my ‘truckers’ turned into imaginary 80 year old men halfway through that situation.

These two middle aged ladies came in and something about them struck me as familiar. They didn’t look like anyone I knew, I didn’t recognize their clothes and when they said each other names they didn’t sound familiar. Then when they got up to their coats shifted and I saw the badges on their belts. I think I was finding them familiar to Cagney and Lacey.

I judge people based on their books and which right wing pundit has written them.

When it’s too warm for the snowflakes to stay on the ground, it makes me sad. It also makes me feel like I should go out and catch them with my tongue. Am I saving them from a lonely death or am I killing them quicker? Either way, I’m a hero! (right?)

It’s hilarious how I can tell that the people discussing religion are Catholic. Or maybe it’s sad, I’m not sure.

Guy just indicated he wanted a huge amount of oatmeal. Like a bathtub sized amount. That is an impressive amount of oatmeal. (disclaimer: pretty sure he was being facetious) Things he could do with that much oatmeal:

• Treat massive case of winter poison ivy.
• Facial masks for him and all his friends.
• Sculpt a life sized version of himself. Then eat it.
• Slow, squishy, maple scented suicide attempt
• Paste (imagining kindergarten macaroni and oatmeal paintings)
• Pothole filler! (would only last in frozen winter months. Not squirrel proof)
• Dumped in water to soak up oil spills. Possibly creates even bigger mess.
• Oooh, the best one! He’s an evil scientist who has figured out how to create life and he’s going to create a morphing, moving, massive oatmeal monster. It’s slow and lumbering and leaves a trail of sugar as it lumbers towards you and your inevitable death. *shudder*