Attack of the 50ft Side Dish

Tonight was new recipe night and I had planned to make meatless burritos with Spanish rice and beans. The only part of the recipe that I was unclear on was the rice, since all the recipe called for was ‘4 cups cooked rice’. Where was I supposed to get cooked rice? I mean, I could just pick some up at China Moon (which I’ve done before) but that seemed like cheating. I really wanted to make everything for dinner so I picked up a couple of bags of rice at the grocery store. The bags were small and didn’t look like 4 cups, so I got two of them.

First of all, I’ve been spoiled by rice cookers. You dump the rice in with the water, push the button and like magic…rice! There’s even a little light or a bell that goes ding! How awesome is that? Trying to cook rice without the rice cooker involves measuring things, big pots and instructions. I don’t mind instructions when I’m cooking, but I’d rather they be of the “cook till color looks good” or “season to taste” variety. The rice instructions were rigid and boring and so I did what I do when faced with boring tasks…I got completely distracted. I dumped both bags of rice into the pot, filled it with water and ran back to my game of Angry Birds as quick as I could.

Eventually I wandered back into the kitchen and saw the rice was boiling, which I thought it was supposed to do, so I turned the heat down, stuck a lid on and found a book to read. The instructions said it was supposed to simmer for 45-50 minutes. THAT’S ALMOST AN HOUR! I could have spent that time preparing the rest of my meal, but I was frustrated at myself for not having gone to buy take-out rice so I spent the time reading and playing with the cats. Finally my phone alarm went off and I went in the kitchen to find…well…

Just pretend that instead of a loaf of bread, it was a pot of rice and instead of pushing Lucy across the kitchen, instead it was pressing her against the roof. (Also, I didn’t have an Ethel. Why don’t I have an Ethel?) There on my stovetop was a pan overflowing with rice. It had filled my huge pot and popped the lid up in the air. I stared in shock, wondering what I needed to do here…and wondering if it was possible for the rice to have gained sentience in the past hour. Did I remove it from the heat? Did I take off the lid? Did I ask it to take me to its leader? I opted for attacking it with several bowls and spoons, hoping to beat it into submission.

There was moans and screeches and rice splattered all over the kitchen by the time I was finished. But I did finish, and here I sit with a perfectly tasty rice and bean burrito…and massive amounts of rice stored in my fridge.